I know I’m not the only person who does this, and it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable to say it out loud. I’m not embarrassed, even though I work with people who are extremely driven to eat healthfully and well. I want you to know that this post is not about shame; this post is about how shitty I feel in my own body when I eat poorly.
I have been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance: my body doesn't use insulin properly, and my cells are literally starving for glucose. It means I crave sugar all the time, and regardless of whether I eat sundaes or spinach salads, my body turns everything to fat. An eating plan higher in protein and lower in carbohydrates is what I need, but I don't want that. I want bagels and pretzels and pasta and pizza. I love sugar and chocolate and brownies and ice cream. And I’ve been telling myself that working out will balance it all out.
But that is a lie.
It doesn’t work that way, and in addition to the Insulin Resistance, I am gluten sensitive. So, I eat gluten and I have a reaction that shows up in various ways: horrifying rashes on my face, chest, & arms; sweaty, sleepless nights; panicked trips to the bathroom.
So why do I do it to myself? I feel like absolute garbage when I eat sugar, refined carbohydrates, and gluten. I’m sluggish, irritable, distracted, and bloated. I’m not “my best self” when I eat this way; I am out of control, telling myself that it’s ok because, well, fill in the blank:
- It’s a holiday
- It’s my birthday
- It’s someone else’s birthday
- It’s a special occasion
- It’s Tuesday
- It’s Saturday
- I deserve it
- I had a hard day
- I’m cranky
- I’m happy
- I don’t care
But, I do care and I want to be present, engaged, and alive around my family, friends, and co-workers. But when I eat like shit, I am not any of those things. It’s not shame, people. It’s a physical reaction.
So, what will it take? This weekend my husband watched me eat gluten with fear in his eyes. He was really worried about what it would do to me, how I would react to it. Then he got angry & pissed. And he said, “I’m just SICK of it.”
I didn’t even ask him what he was sick of because I knew. I’m sick of it too. I’m sick of feeling physically bad when I know I have control over it.
So, I’m writing this post to ask you to check in with yourself. Are you sick of feeling shitty? This is not about shame or self loathing or beating yourself up. This is about checking in with how you feel inside your body and deciding to do ONE THING this week to tackle it.
This week, my choice is to go gluten free. Just that one thing: not gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, and tequila free! Just one thing. I’ll check in during the week and at the end of the week. Is there one thing you want to give up this week? Maybe it’s not food but a behavior or a toxic person or a habit or a script you tell yourself.
What is the one thing you can do for yourself this week to feel better inside your body & your head? I’d love to hear from you in the comments or via email!